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[29 Jan 2002|04:21pm]
[ mood | crushed ]

well this is the end...
the end of this stupid fucking journal... and the end of my life.
i've lost my only friend...
with one paragraph of words i didnt even mean.
and a thousand *sorries* cannot explain enough.
this hurts... and i'm breaking.
i cannot any longer bear to see the aftermath of what i have done.
of everything i didnt mean.
everything im sorrie for...
well nothing fixes it.
nothing.
people are the most beautiful things... and life is the best.
never take it for granted.
cherish your friends... you dont know how long they'll stick around.
To everyone.. that was ever my friend..
or that i ever hurt.
I am so sorrie...and i love you all....
from the bottom of my heart.

I love you. I love you.

*shauna nicole blades*
My diary
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[28 Jan 2002|03:55pm]
[ mood | depressed ]






Wowie! You are Tfu Tfu! You're the odd one out, there are few places you fit in. Others don't understand you very well and tend to treat you indifferently and take you for granted. But then again, you don't really give a damn about them anyway.
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My secret...
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[28 Jan 2002|11:26am]
[ mood | distressed ]

goodbye world. <3


*im not afraid to put the gun in my hand... im just afraid it will hurt like hell*
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[27 Jan 2002|10:40pm]
[ mood | crushed ]

*cries* ok.. im going to bed now. Let's just hope I don't wake up. I reallie hope I don't. I'm not going to school tomorow. I don't feel like being depressed all day. I'd rather just sleep it away. Consciousness is evil. Why do *I* get hurt so much?
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[27 Jan 2002|10:22pm]
*my hopes are so high that your kiss might kill me,
so won't you kill me,
so I die happy?*
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I'm a Loser. [27 Jan 2002|09:29pm]
[ mood | melancholy ]

It sucks when people claim to be your *friend* then they pretend you don't exsist for no damn reason. But then again... isnt that how my life usually works. It's crap like this that *makes* me so pessimistic. I literally did absolutely nothing... and yet people still find something to get pissed at me about. I would die for anyone... but I'm just taken for granted. Oh well...not anymore. He can forget it. I guess our friendship reallie didnt mean anything to him. (And yes of course it hurts me) But it was his choice. I just don't get it. I mean... I could save someones life and I would still be ignored. That doesnt sound very fair, now does it? I try so hard. I am a waste of human flesh. I am nothing. God I wish today never happened.
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[27 Jan 2002|08:49pm]
[ mood | pissed off ]

*cries*

god dammit...
frankie is fricken mad at me.. and i dont know why. I havent even done anything...at all. i havent said anything to him today. god damn... whatever. I can't wait to move. Kill me...
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[27 Jan 2002|08:25pm]
i give up...no more caring.

guys are evil.
Lets do it
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[27 Jan 2002|06:00pm]
[ mood | discontent ]

See which Greek Goddess you are.








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this song kind of explains exactly how fucked up society reallie is. [27 Jan 2002|03:09pm]
P.O.D.
Youth of the Nation

Last day of the rest of my life
I wish I would�ve known
Cause I didn�t kiss my mama goodbye

I didn�t tell her that I loved her and how much I care
Or thank my pops for all the talks
And all the wisdom he shared

Unaware, I just did what I always do
Everyday, the same routine
Before I skate off to school

But who knew that this day wasn�t like the rest
Instead of taking a test
I took two to the chest

Call me blind, but I didn�t see it coming
Everybody was running
But I couldn�t hear nothing

Except gun blasts, it happened so fast
I don�t really know this kid
Even though I sit by him in class

Maybe this kid was reaching out for love
Or maybe for a moment
He forgot who he was
Or maybe this kid just wanted to be hugged
Whatever it was
I know it�s because

We are, We are, the youth of the nation

Little Suzy, she was only twelve
She was given the world
With every chance to excel

Hang with the boys and hear the stories they tell
She might act kind of proud
But no respect for herself

She finds love in all the wrong places
The same situations
Just different faces

Changed up her pace since her daddy left her
Too bad he never told her
She deserved much better

Johnny boy always played the fool
He broke all the rules
So you would think he was cool

He was never really one of the guys
No matter how hard he tried
Often thought of suicide

It�s kind of hard when you ain�t got no friends
He put his life to an end
They might remember him then

You cross the line and there�s no turning back
Told the world how he felt
With the sound of a gat

We are, We are, the youth of the nation

Who�s to blame for the lives that tragedies claim
No matter what you say
It don�t take away the pain

That I feel inside, I�m tired of all the lies
Don�t nobody know why
It�s the blind leading the blind

I guess that�s the way the story goes
Will it ever make sense
Somebody�s got to know

There�s got to be more to life than this
There�s got to be more to everything
I thought exists

We are, We are, the youth of the nation
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[27 Jan 2002|03:02pm]
[ mood | artistic ]

im going home today. i might go to wal mart. i hope i can. I need a new cd case, both of my big ones are full lol. i want some paint and stuff. I need to have some type of hobby so I dont like.. kill myself with boredom or something. blahhh. oh well. im tired...
i hate guys.

*peace*
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very very bored. [26 Jan 2002|09:38pm]
[ mood | bored ]

[[ Name ]] - stupid.
[[ Nicknames, including from family ]] - loser, geek, dork, freak, nerd.
[[ Birthday ]] -july 10th

[[ Age ]] -15
[[ Astrological sign? ]] -Cancer
[[ Location ]] -Florida
[[ Marital Status ]] - Kill me..
[[ Current Haircolor ]] - reddish brownish.
[[ Eyecolor... W/ & W/O contacts ]] - ugly brown.
[[ Height ]] - 5'5
[[ Parents still together? ]] - yea..soon to be divorced.
[[ Siblings? ]] - Erick.
[[ Kids of your own? ]] - i want one.
[[ Grandkids? ]] - someday maybe. if i find someone that loves me.
[[ Pets? ]] -kittie.
[[ In school/graduated? ]] -hiiiigh school.
[[ Rent, lease, or own your home? ]] -yea..i own a house lol..right.
[[ What do you do for work? ]] -Nick's Deli.
[[ Have any credit cards? ]] - i dont want any.
[[ Can I use em for a few days? ]] -yea..considering i *dont* have any.
[[ What do you drive? ]] -2002 blue hyundai accent GL

Preferences
[[ Black and White/Color ]] - Color.RAINBOW!
[[ Black/White ]] -Black.
[[ Red/Blue ]] - blue.
[[ Dogs/Cats ]] - kitties.
[[ Roses/Daisies ]] - Roses.
[[ Boxers/Briefs *wink* ]] - boxers.
[[ Hair: Short/Long ]] -short.
[[ Boots/Shoes ]] -shoes.
[[ Food: Mexican/Italian ]] - italian.
[[ Dark/Light ]] - Dark.
[[ Day/Night ]] - Night or day...whichever.
[[ City/Country ]] - City(?) i guess...
[[ Sheets: Solid/Animal Prints *rawr* ]] - penguins.

Favorites
[[ Color ]] - pink.
[[ Animal ]] - llamas, kitties, spiders, bats, emus, penguins.
[[ Soda ]] -orange soda.
[[ Food ]] -sushi.
[[ Book ]] -*Youth in Revolt*
[[ Band ]] -nirvana.
[[ CD ]] -dashboard..and nirvana.
[[ Song ]] -*new years project*~fsf
[[ Movie ]] -Girl,Interrupted.
[[ Country ]] -England.
[[ State ]] -Maryland.
[[ School Subject ]] -psychology i guess. its over though.
[[ Movie genre ]] -Comedy, horror.

Do you...
[[ Color your hair? ]] -yea.
[[ Have tattoos? ]] -not yet.
[[ Piercings? ]] -6 in one ear, 4 in the other.
[[ Have a boyfriend/girlfriend/both? ]] -*SIGH* why dont you just rub it in some more that im an unloveable geek!
[[ Floss daily? ]] -not floss...but i brush my teeth 3 times a day. lol. im a clean freak.
[[ Own a webcam? ]] -nope.
[[ Ever get off the damn computer? ]] -occasionally.
[[ Hablar Espanol? ]] -most likely not.
[[ Quack? Quack quack? ]] - *::meow::*

Have you...
[[ Been arrested? ]] -no.
[[ Stolen a car? ]] -i dont need to.
[[ Stolen anything? ]] -sadly...yes.
[[ Smoke? ]] -i quit. go me!
[[ Pot? ]] -hell no.
[[ Crack? ]] -im not stupid.
[[ Drink? ]] -not anymore.
[[ Been so drunk you couldn't remember your name? ]] -drinking is stupid.
[[ Been so drunk you didn't care that you couldn't remember your name? ]] -i cant forget my name.
[[ Cheated on someone? ]] -like i would ever even have the chance. no one would ever go out with me. but if for some ungodly reason i did have a boyfriend i would rather die than cheat on him. its so very wrong.
[[ Been married? ]] -i wish.
[[ Been divorced? ]] - nope.

Are you psycho?
[[ Split personalities? ]] -sometimes.
[[ Schizophrenic? ]] -haha im a schizoid.
[[ Depressed? ]] -...i dont wanna talk about it.
[[ Suicidal? ]] -*ROAR* very much so.


Right now...
[[ What are you listening to? ]] -Kittie.
[[ What are you watching? ]] - Nothing.
[[ What time is it? ]] - 9:34.
[[ What are you wearing? ]] - rainbow pajamas.
[[ Wanna cyber? *wink* ]] -i dont get off using the computer lol.
[[ Hey baby, nice shoes... ]] -that was *gay*.
[[ What're you drinking? ]] -nothing. i want some orange soda.
[[ Eating? ]] -yuck...food is gross.
[[ Got both hands on the keyboard? ]] -yea.
[[ You sure bout that? ]] -what the hell?lol.
[[ Who are you talkin to? ]] -mollie(puter) and cinnamon cuz im at her house.
[[ What other windows do you have open?] -my buddie list and an IM to Mollie.
[[ How bored are you? haha ]] -extremely

If you could...
[[ Be anywhere, where would you be? ]] -*sigh* i dont know. i dont wanna thing about it and get all depressed again. im sick of crying myself to sleep.
[[ Who would you be with? ]] -*sigh* rob.
[[ What would you be doin? ]]- blllah!! *depressing depressing*



ok well that was dumb. and a waste of my valuable time. of course.
My secret...

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hyyyyyper! [26 Jan 2002|09:13pm]
[ mood | hyper ]

lol....
i have a pen..
it smells like blueberrie...
i drew a vagina on cinn's leg.
woohoo.
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[26 Jan 2002|08:15pm]
AAHHHHHHHHH! SHE'S STRIPPING!!!
SHIELD YOUR EYES!
OH THE HORROR!!!
THE HORROR!
Lets do it
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bbblllllaaahhhhh.... [26 Jan 2002|08:05pm]
[ mood | envious ]

im at cinnamons right now. woohoo. we went over heathers earlier and this guy Kenneth was over there...then Ashley came. They were all over Kenneth..so me and Cinnamon left. Then as we were walking home Erick drives up. He gave us a ride home. So...yea that was a blast. *sarcasm* but anyways...yea...now we're just chillin. heh. Dave was online earlier..what a shock. I thought he was dead. lol. *sigh* oh memories. I hate this song now. blahh. Frankie cut his hair. its cute. He was supposed to call me this weekend. But I'm not home..so I told my mom to call me if he calls..and I'd call him from here. Heehee. I have his number...and he doesnt know it. lol. *Stalker* no..just kidding. No guy is worth that. Last night I was so depressed...obviously. Look at my last entry from last night. lol. I cried myself to sleep last night. Just thinking about him. *sigh* Oh well...There are some things i guess i'm not supposed to understand. blahh. okie well im gonna go. nothing else has happened today.
*peace*
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*::sigh::* [24 Jan 2002|08:58pm]
[ mood | rejected ]

Your hands didnt move
well, neither did mine.
New Years will bring
so much to say
but nothing comes out right
both of us left with out words
both of us lost in this world
it's softer than ever before.

And you were the outline
of everything you would become.
The keeper of these hands.
To hold you now
it is a far cry more than
anything that i deserve.

I'm waiting to give you
whatever the world may bring
I'd give you my life
cause I don't own anything.
It seemed like the bottom
was all that I had
until now
I'd give you my life
if you'd give me
yours somehow.

Your hands didnt move
well, neither did mine
New Years will bring
me to you.
I'm waiting to give you
whatever the world may bring
I'd give you my life
cause I don't own anything.
It seemed like the bottom
was all that I had
until now
I'd give you my life
if you'd give me
yours somehow.
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[24 Jan 2002|07:49pm]


*Take This Test!*




*cries* too bad everything is impossible.
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*::cries::* [24 Jan 2002|07:37pm]
[ mood | crushed ]

*if nothing is perfect...
id rather be nothing*
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[24 Jan 2002|05:06pm]
[ mood | bored ]

*::meow::*


im boreddddd!
nothing cool happened today.
i kinda like gene...but hes too short.
his personality is so beautiful though.
Lets do it

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[23 Jan 2002|08:24pm]
[ mood | jealous ]

im sick of all the violence.
sick of this society.
sick of self absorbed people.
sick of people in general.
sick of sluts.
sick of labels.
sick of guys.
sick of having my heart broken.
sick of emotion.
sick of school.
sick of parents.
sick of not being understood.
sick of the lonliness.
sick of being jealous.

and most importantly...

I am *so* sick of being me.
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